I have a lot of thoughts floating around in my head. I believe blogs should never reveal very personal details or names. So here are some random thoughts I've been having.
I think far too much about what could have been. I sometimes think, How can I be so much more empathetic than the rest of the world? Why do I always seem to care more about people I love than they do about me? All these thoughts are something I can't help. When they pop into my head, I reason with myself to think of things differently. I also try to stop thinking "what if" thoughts. Or worse, having "what if" visions. They're like memories that could have been. I felt a lump in my throat as I typed that. Even thought trying not to think these thoughts, they reappear, and each one fuels the next, until finally I am convinced that what could have been will be the only thing that will make me happy. It's totally ridiculous. I wish I could stop these thoughts. A strange part of me still wants to think them, though. It's bittersweet. I think perhaps my mind won't let me move on because it still has hope that the memories I envision will become real. Honestly, it's safe to say they won't.
What am I doing to move on and feel better? I'm trying to force myself to get out there and find ways of keeping myself content. This way, I can have actual happy memories and experiences instead of ones I just imagine. I actually think (and hope) one day my mind will be so tired of dwelling on the past and it will suddenly let it go. But will it ever fully let it go?
I felt good writing that down. I think it took some of those crazy thoughts out of my head when I did that.
Good night, all. I hope not everyone's memories haunt them like mine do.
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